In the face of setbacks, many young footballers naturally jump to self-criticism as a way to cope with the difficult thoughts and feelings they experience after "failing". Now, you might be thinking, "How can punishing themselves be a coping strategy?" Well, it's not a particularly healthy one, but self-criticism can be used by your child to feel as though they're pushing themselves to respond to a failure and motivating themselves to try and avoid experiencing that setback again. However, we know how damaging self-criticism can be. It's stressful, anxiety-provoking, and damaging to young players' self-confidence, and this will suck the life out of their performances and enjoyment. So, I'm writing today to tell you about a much more helpful strategy to deal with setbacks: self-compassion.

Put simply, self-compassion is the act of experiencing something painful and responding to ourselves with kindness, instead of criticism. Research shows that athletes that are self-compassionate rather than self-critical are better at dealing with setbacks and experience better well-being. So, why isn't everyone self-compassionate? Well, there are a few myths about self-compassion that put some athletes off. I'll go into them here:
Myth 1: "Being kind to yourself shows mental weakness, and I have to be tough to succeed in football"
Many young players believe that being kind to themselves in hard times will make them mentally weak, whereas if they play through the pain and be tough on themselves it will make them seem more mentally tough, leading to success in football.
This is contradictory. If your child is constantly playing through significant pain, they're likely not going to play their best and they put themselves more at risk of injury which will decrease their opportunities to succeed. Whilst a healthy dose of grit is needed sometimes to push players through fatigue, it's not weak to be kind to themselves when it means preventing a significant injury.
Likewise, whilst your child might feel 'tough' if they beat themselves down after a mistake or setback, they're actually taking their focus away from the actions they want to take to rebound from that adversity, instead focusing their attention on reasons to criticise themselves.
"Criticising yourself is more motivating, so I do that instead"
Can criticism motivate your child? Yes (not for long though). Is it a healthy source of motivation? Absolutely not. Imagine responding from a setback as a long journey, say from Manchester to London. Using self-criticism as a motivator for overcoming adversity is like travelling from Manchester to Liverpool on a bike with no seat and a deflated tyre. Can you get there? Yes. How will the journey feel? Probably very painful. Could you properly focus on the important things you needed to do when you arrived? Definitely not.
Now ask yourself those questions if you drove or got the train. The answers represent how your child can feel if they learn to be self-compassionate on their journey to overcome a setback, rather than self-critical.
"If I'm kind to myself, I'll lose my 'edge' and it'll make me play worse"
This is common for players who like to play with a chip on their shoulder or portray a certain image to their opponent. These players believe that if they're kind to themselves, that will transfer over into their performance. They worry it'll make them 'soft'. But, it's important that players see that self-compassion is there to help them maintain that performance state, not interfere with it. It's a quality that will help them stick to the way they like to play, instead of getting caught up in self-criticism following a mistake.
My Top 5 Benefits of Self-Compassion for Young Footballers
1. Learning how to learn from failure
Using self-compassion encourages young players to focus on the solutions to their setbacks, rather than on things they can use to beat themselves down with. This encourages critical thinking about what went wrong, why, and what areas they can improve to reach their goals.
2. Learning to take accountability, without self-criticism
Being kind to yourself doesn't mean avoiding responsibility for a mistake or setback. Practising self-compassion involves your child accepting they had a setback, and being open to the thoughts and feelings that come with that without engaging in self-criticism. This allows them to move forward as a more accountable young person with their focus on development in football, not on what's 'wrong' with them.
3. Increases coping and mental toughness
Research has shown that self-compassion improves an athlete's ability to cope with difficult events. One key factor in that is mental toughness - the quality of being able to view adversity as a challenge to overcome, respond well to pressure, and keep moving towards goals. We know mental toughness is a really important quality that top-level athletes possess, and it's equally as important for aspiring young footballers to develop, as they face difficult challenges and setbacks every week on their journey.
4. Healthier responses to setbacks
Another great benefit of self-compassion over self-criticism is that your child's responses to setbacks will become healthier. Over time, they should experience less difficult emotions when they have a setback, and they become less likely to view setbacks as a disaster or 'the end of the world'. This happens through learning from their past experiences that they can manage their thoughts and emotions, find a solution, and rebound from adversity.
5. Encourages players to pursue goals despite difficult feelings
This one might be my favourite benefit. When setbacks happen, your child will experience difficult feelings that have to pass in their own time. But your child still has to go out and give their all on and off the pitch. This is where self-compassion is great. It teaches them that if they're kind to themselves, they can still focus on their goals even when difficult thoughts and feelings are there. Through being willing to give those difficult thoughts and feelings some space to pass, your child doesn't have to engage with them.
"But how does my child go from self-critic to self-compassionate?"
My top tips for developing self-compassion in young players:
1. "What teammate do you prefer?"
Your child should consider what teammate they'd prefer to have around if they were going through a setback. Teammate A, that says, "suck it up, stop whinging, and get on with it. There are people who've got it way worse than you!" Or, teammate B, that says, "I know you're struggling, and that's okay. This is difficult and I'm with you all the way." If they answer Teammate B, we ask them to consider why they speak to themselves like Teammate A. This increases their awareness that their self-criticism actually isn't helping.
2. Self-reflective journaling
Journaling is one of the best yet underused tools available for athletes of any age to improve self-awareness and practice self-compassion, and getting into the habit of journaling as a young athlete is great for continuing it into senior sport. Setbacks cause difficult thoughts and feelings to rise up in your child, and journaling is a way to process these and develop self-awareness around the experience. Your child can practice writing about their experience in a self-compassionate way, noticing what thoughts and feelings are there but recognising that they aren't the truth about themselves.
3. The building blocks of self-compassion
Your child and you can create a self-compassion tool for them to use. It should be made up of some or all of these building blocks:
Notice the difficult thoughts and feelings and what caused them
Remind themselves that they feel that way because they care!
Separate from self-criticism
Include a kind statement to tell themselves
Give the difficult feelings some room
Think of other people who've gone through something similar
Self-compassion doesn't come naturally to a lot of people, and it might take a bit of practice for your child to overcome their habit to criticise themselves. But, the long-term benefits of making the switch to self-compassion are huge for their wellbeing, performance and enjoyment of football.
If you want to join a community of like-minded sport parents looking to discover ways your child can handle the challenges and pressure of sport so they can become the best version of themselves, subscribe to the Challenger Zone email newsletter here! With this, you'll receive a FREE mental imagery checklist to help your child discover the transformational effects of mental imagery with just your email address! Alternatively, if you feel your child may benefit from mindset training to help them make the switch from self-critic to self-compassionate, book a FREE 20-minute enquiry call here, or, get in touch via Whatsapp at 07950378048 or by emailing Ross@challenger-mindset.com.
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